General Opinion
by ratchetblack
Summary: In which House and Wilson are not really together. Really.


Wilson always dropped by House's office whenever he had a patient-free afternoon, or when he could afford to have one of his colleagues cover for him. It wasn't always easy to arrange, being head of oncology, but it happened enough that House surprised him one morning by informing him the nurses were gossiping about the pair of them. 

"Gossip? About us?" Wilson repeated, blinking. This was news to him.

House nodded happily and went on, oblivious to his friend's consternation. "About us," he said again, nodding in confirmation, "and the current top odds are for us to hook up sometime in the future."

House, Wilson decided, looked far too pleased about this for comfort.

"Hook up-- House, I'm married!" Wilson exclaimed, scandalized. "How could they even joke--"

"I find it interesting how your main objection was to your rumored bigamy and not your rumored homosexual tendencies." Wilson stuttered to a stop, wide-eyed, and put a hand over his face. "Don't worry, though!" said House, reaching over and patting Wilson on the arm, "We can still be friends."

Chase walked into the room, paused at hearing House's last statement, and walked right back out.

Wilson looked up briefly, frowning. "Did he need something in here?"

"He's in cahoots with that brunette in Admitting. I think he actually placed a bet on us," said House, grinning.

"He _what_?" Wilson gaped for a moment. "How do you know Chase is betting on us?" he demanded.

"I heard Cameron telling him off for it the other day. Boy, was she pissed," said House, looking up at the ceiling. "Something about needing to respect his boss more than that."

"Pot, meet kettle," remarked Wilson blandly. "What about her? Has she even left off bugging you about that crush of hers? Doesn't sound like a healthy boss-worker relationship to me."

"I am made of awesome," House stated. "So much awesome, that it drives successful young doctors to regress into fifth-grade. I was waiting for her to pass me a note saying 'Do you like me? Check yes or no.'" Wilson snorted.

"Did you find out what Chase put his bet on?" asked Wilson.

"No, sadly. Cameron chased Chase out of the room before I could find out. Pity." House paused, a contemplative look crossing his features. "Chased Chase. Now that's a funny thing to say." He twirled his cane idly and sat back in his chair, looking at the ceiling again. "Although I wouldn't be surprised if he put his money on something involving sex."

Wilson, for his part, reacted considerably well. He only spluttered a little, and managed not to fall out of his chair by grabbing onto the desk. "_Sex_?"

House gave him a look. "Don't make your eyes go so wide, you look like a little kid. Sound like one, too, asking about sex like that. Never had the 'birds and bees' talk as a child? No wonder you've been married so many times."

Wilson wasn't taking the bait. House imagined it was probably more from shock than from actual stubbornness or even awareness of the insult. "Sex? With you?" Yep. Shock.

"Well, the leg is definitely a problem, but we can make it work," said House blithely, waving his cane in a broad, unconcerned gesture. "Heavy things on top of the leg make Greg House sad. You'll probably have to settle for being underneath."

Wilson stared.

Foreman walked into the room, brandishing a folder. "Test results are back. MRI shows no tumor or lesions, so it's not-- Dr. Wilson? What are you doing here?" Foreman asked, a note of worry in his voice. Wilson belatedly realized his face was still stuck in guppy mode, and hurriedly closed his mouth and schooled his face into a more dignified expression.

"We were just discussing the mechanics of sex," said House, smiling, "and we decided Wilson should be underneath." House inwardly snickered as Wilson's face abruptly slipped back into guppy mode. Foreman, for his part, did a pretty good imitation of it.

"We decided?" repeated Wilson, blushing hotly. "We did not-- !" Off Foreman's startled look, Wilson forced his mouth shut. Not exactly the best thing to say, under the circumstances.

"I'll... just leave these here with you, then," said Foreman, putting the folder on the desk and beating a hasty retreat.

"He'll join the betting pool by the end of the day," said House with an air of satisfied finality, sitting back in his chair again with a self-satisfied grin.

Wilson hid his face in his hands. "I hate you so, so much."

"I wonder what else they've got going in that pool," said House, glancing over at Wilson. "Just sex?"

"I find it incredibly disturbing that my colleagues at this hospital think I'm sleeping with you," Wilson muttered, taking his hands away from his face at last. "And you don't help matters either, you... you enjoy this kind of attention. Hell, you escalate the rumors."

"Not like you were doing much to correct the general opinion yourself," retorted House. "Did I ever tell you just how closely we walk together down the halls? Your shoulder only brushes mine every other step. Small wonder how the rumors started." Wilson pointedly ignored him.

"I wasn't even aware there _was_ a general opinion of us! If I'd known, I would've-- hell, I'm married, House, doesn't that count for anything anymore?"

"Not when people think two department heads are shacking up with each other. The gossip's too good. How many times have you spent the night at my house this year alone?"

Wilson glared. "Julie was away for just a week, House. I didn't want to stay in the apartment by myself."

"So you sought out the company of the hospital's most famous pain-in-the-ass. Makes sense." House's eyebrows went very high, in an expression of deep contemplation. "So when Dr. Wilson ends up wearing the same tie three days in a row, after being seen following Dr. House to his car the nights before, the general public will, of course, come to the most logical conclusion."

"You-- they didn't-- they thought what?"

"Because we all know how defensive Jimmy gets about his ties and we all have to wonder just why he resigned himself to wearing the same one three days in a row," said House, condescendingly.

"You don't even _own_ any good ties!" shouted Wilson, using both hands to gesture at House's casual wear. "It wasn't like I could borrow one!" House noticed Cameron, walking towards the office, abruptly change her trajectory as she noticed Wilson's explosive-looking reaction through the glass walls. He chuckled.

"That might actually have been a good thing, if you were thinking about deflecting rumors. Wearing the other's clothes? Boy, what a scandal."

"Wearing the oth--" Wilson shut his mouth, refusing to parrot House's words again. He scrunched up his face in embarrassment. "Oh, I hate you so much."


End file.
